Eurovision Song Contest 2022, the report cards of the second semifinal

The Rasmus “Jezebel” (Finland)

The bad news is that this passable piece dedicated to an irresistible and powerful Jezebel we have heard dozens of times in the last forty years and in fact it is written with Desmond Child, champion of 80s-90s mainstream rock. The good news is that qualified sources say the performance shouldn’t jeopardize Finland’s entry into NATO. But the yellow-black combination that is very Third Man Records is beautiful.

Michele Ben David “IM” (Israel)

Hymn to the defense of one’s identity and to (the god of Eurovision forgive us) resilience, it is an inconsistent song, a version of things from ten years ago good for X Factorwhere Michael Ben David actually comes from (most of the singers tonight are from talent). And then it’s not his fault if with everything that is happening around him “Middle east is the new sex appeal” sounds strange.

Contractual “In a healthy body” (Serbia)

This is peffòmans. The idea was to make a song full of body health considerations in which, for lack of health insurance, the singer relies on God. The effect is cheap. Now we want to hear what the other pieces that the Serbs discarded were like.

Nadir Rustamli “Fade to black” (Azerbaijani)

How much pathos and how much rhetoric in this drama that begins slowly, rises and then, as expected, descends. Who are the damages asked of, Tom Walker?

Circus Mircus “Lock Me In” (Georgia)

A little rhythm and healthy nonsense is needed after the Azerbaijani melodrama. Ok, the song is thin, but it has something crazy, circus and psychedelic that doesn’t hurt. “Take me to the spacecraft, take me to dance club”: we would do a ride with them.

Emma Moscato “I am what I am” (Malta)

Hymn to sexism with pop-gospel echoes, with Emma “Human Mirrorball” singing standing on the piano with an enthusiasm worthy of a commercial for lactose-free snacks. What an irony: the former competitor of Friends praise everyone’s individual character and then make a song that could be anyone’s.

Achille Lauro “Stripper” (San Marino)

The music of Stripper it will be a mash-up of other things by Lauro and the text a collection of memes, but in the midst of so much boredom he, the cages, the flames, the kiss with Boss Doms and the mechanical bull (a little Urban cowboy and a little’ Have a nice Sunday with Gabriella Carlucci) do their slut (pun intended) figure. Yet he is outside, Romania inside: where is the Codacons when he serves?

Sheldon Riley “It’s not the same” (Australia)

Will anything bad ever be said about a song that tells the story of a child diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome and growing up unaware of his sexuality in a poor and bigoted family? Could we ever say that despite the big voice and the costume and the Orville Peck mask she is totally uninteresting? Never, impossible, we don’t talk about it.

Andromache “She” (Cyprus)

The cha-cha-boom that you hear in the pop of half the world, some exotic vibrato, so empty. Inform the Eurovision website that the name Andromache means “she who fights with men”. Okay, but not with the men going to the final.

Brooke “That’s Rich” (Ireland)

She says she was inspired by Debbie Harry and her autobiography. How is it that the result resembles the square root of XCX (in Charli’s sense)? By dint of being mentioned after this performance, Dua Lipa ends up in trend on Twitter,

Andrew “Circles” (North Macedonia)

Well over half of the evening it was understood that the second semifinal is that of the ballads that should make us move. A singer who is queen of the most intense poses tries for North Macedonia, with a piece in an R&B key. Di B is also the series to which the song belongs.

Stephen “Hope” (Estonia)

The country & western, with Morriconian echoes, from which all truth has been sucked away. Honestly? He could take off the urban cowboy suit and put on the ram suit he participated in Masked singer Estonian.

WRS “Call me” (Romania)

The cheap version of dance we knew we didn’t need. “Hola mi bebébé, llámame llámame”. Thanks, maybe another time, as if we accepted.

I am hungry “River” (Poland)

He apparently speaks of suicide (or at least of abandoning oneself to the current of a river) and mixes pop and opera echoes in a banal way. The singer’s grandfather is the tenor Wiesław Ochman who also passed through the Scala in Milan. We bet that the son will never pass by the Assago Forum?

Vladana “Breathe” (Montenegro)

Only the song about Covid was missing. The colleague from Podgorica sings it (colleague in the sense that Vladana has a master’s degree in journalism) who also puts a part in Italian. She tells about her about her mother and about all the other victims whose ability to breathe the virus has taken away. Respectfully said: old, kitschy, awful stuff.

Jeremiah Makiese “I miss you” (Belgium)

Footballer, winner of The voicegeology student (virologist and geopolitics expert isn’t he?), Jérémie Makiese has more voice than identity. This contemporary R&B has nothing original, but neither embarrassing: for the level of the evening it is already something.

Cornelia Jakobs “Hold me closer” (Sweden)

According to the bookmakers, Cornelia Jakobs is among the favorites to win the final. You understand the reason: the song starts painfully and vaguely to Adele and in the second half ends up in a club. The interpretation that is half sad and half party always has a certain effect. The ABBA did it in an exemplary way. They were Swedish and they won Eurovision, let’s keep that in mind (and then Cornelia’s Instagram bio is “live the pussy”, really).

We are Domi “Lights Off” (Czech Republic)

Having arrived at the end of the evening, listening to this old-fashioned and anonymous dance piece, one doubts that European integration is not really a great thing, on a musical level.

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